Today’s car philosophy time is about how to stop being a people pleaser. You must ignore the opinions of others. I’m sitting outside Pier One Imports right now, waiting for them to open. I’m dictating into my phone so this will be more raw than usual. Not really safe for work. To add your thoughts, comment below.This is actually the unedited rough first draft.
I thought I would have a little chat with you ’cause I heard something today that really was cool. That was, from Gary Vaynerchuk. He says so many cool things like sometimes, I guess when you hear things that apply to you sometimes, like you get called out on your own shit? You hear like, “That guy’s an asshole.” Those are probably the people you should be listening to sometimes, I think.
I don’t think. I know. If you have a lot of people waving your flag, you think you’re the best. You can go through life oblivious to the opportunities that are there for you, if you had only had someone be frank with you and tell you the truth.The only way you’re ever gonna break out of your habits that have you stuck in a rut, is if someone calls you on your shit. That always hurts. Otherwise, you just stay there wallowing around in it. I’m happy I ran into his podcast.The only way you're ever gonna break out of your habits that have you stuck in a rut, is if someone calls you on your shit. Click To Tweet
The thing that he said that I thought was so cool was that a lot of people are unhappy because they value someone else’s opinion of them more than their own. I thought about that, because it’s true. If you’re a nice guy, you want to please people. That is a, man, I’d like to say a recipe for failure because if you’re always trying to please people you’re probably doing things that you don’t really want to do in the hopes that they will be happy with you and show you some sort of gratitude or appreciation or positive comments, or something like that, but inside you’re dying a little bit all the time.
Unless you’re doing it for yourself, because that’s something that you purely want to do. Let’s take for example here, I had a discussion the other day. You get sick of being nice sometimes because there’s so many assholes around, but there’s nice people too. But the thing is, let’s say you’re doing a job. ‘Cause I work in construction. A bunch of people need to use a certain part of real estate of the building. You’re like, “Oh well, I’ll accommodate you and I’ll do my work later. I’ll shift over to do this thing,” or something like that.
You make an exception to try to help them out. Then they’re like, they don’t even acknowledge that you did them a favor. Or let’s just say they’re like, “Well, do you actually do anything else here?” As if you don’t have any other work. The thing is, is inside you’re pissed because you thought you were doing a favor and you’re waiting for the kickback. You’re waiting for the, “Oh man, that’s cool! Thanks, that’s really awesome of you.”
You walk away all happy. Or you hold a door open for somebody. Then they walk through and they don’t say thank you. Or they’re like, “No thanks. I got it,” and you get angry. Why? Because you held the door open hoping to get a kickback. A kickback of the emotional dopamine or something that would make you feel worthy like you were doing a good job. As soon as you get to the point where you’re just like, you don’t care what your wife thinks of you that’s a tough one.
That’s a real tough one because, like I know for me that’s really big. Or you don’t care what your mom or your dad thinks of you. Or your children. If you are 100% solid on the fact that what you’re doing is right and you’re being the person that you want to be, and all those people can come to you and tell you you’re an asshole and you’re okay with it, then you’re free. You’re free. And that’s a big thing, but you’ll always be locked in a mental cage when you’re being tugged around by other people’s opinions of you.
That’s all I got. I think. It’s kind of profound though, I think. It’s about as profound as it gets, really. ‘Cause we’re all trapped in our brains. We’re all thinking, “What should I do here? What should I do here? What should I do here?” There’s a good quote, Epictetus? Epictitus? Epic, I’ll try to find the name for you. He’s a Stoic guy. Stoicism guy, but he said, “Until you have a judgment you will always be in mental,” I’m totally paraphrasing by the way. “Until you have a judgment on things you will always be locked in a sort of mental anguish tugged to and fro by popular opinion.”
I know that’s not the actual quote, but it’s something like that. What it means is, it’s funny because I read that early this morning and then I heard Gary V while I was driving. What it means is, is until you decide what’s right and wrong for you, you’re gonna be stuck in this purgatory of making decisions based on what’s going on around you and what public opinion is, what people think. Someone says this about that and you’re like, “Well yeah, I suppose that’s it too.” Then you go against your gut, then later you’re pissed with yourself because it turned out to be wrong.
You knew it. You knew you should have did it the other way. ‘Cause you’d learned it before. Your gut told you. That’s a big one. Fuckin’ hate that. I hate it when you know, let’s just say you’re puttin’ up this custom basketball net shot clock, as an example. Someone says, “You only need to paint one side ’cause that’s all that’s visible.” You go out and you paint one side. Inside you’re going, “I know now if you do it 100% you never have to go back and do anything later,” but you say, “Okay. Yeah. That’ll save us some time.”
Your gut told you. Sure as shit, 45 minutes later you realize that a part you didn’t know was showing is showing. You should have painted it and you get angry because you went against your gut feeling. You knew better. Experience had told you otherwise, but you were swayed by someone else’s opinion. How about this? You’re driving a lift and you need wooden boards underneath it to protect the surface underneath. You’re driving, you’re driving. Every day you haul out these 4 by 8 sheets. There’s ten of them and it just busts your back every day.
Today you know you only have to go a certain amount of distance, but the more boards you have, they’re there. Someone says, “Well, we only need four. Let’s save the effort.” You agree, and your gut told you that’s not how you always do it. What do you do? You get out there and you got to make a turn. It requires that you have six 4 by 8 sheets all laid out and then a running strip after. You end up going and getting the boards. It’s out of sync now, because you have to move the ladders that were on top of them and you knew it.
You knew it. And you went against yourself. You were swayed by opinion. That’s what the judgment means. Once you feel like you know what’s right about something, stick with it. You can be wrong. That’s fine. It’s as easy as saying, “I was wrong.” That doesn’t actually feel that bad. “Hey, Ray. You were wrong about this.” “Yeah. Yeah, I was.” But you know what sucks? Is when you were right and you let some other mother- guy, girl, tell you otherwise.
How To Deal With Passive Aggressive People
Morning. Today I ran into a good thing that said, “Your next battle will be easier.” But prefaced by the idea that you fight the battle that’s in front of you right now.
A battle can be anything that involves conflict, right? It can be a workplace thing. Maybe a physical altercation. It can be a conversation with your partner. Whatever.
But the reason I ran into this idea is that is there a time to be bad? Is there a time for aggression? I’m at that chapter now, in The 50th Law, by Robert Greene and 50 Cent ( Amazon purchase link). So it is time to just write a few words.
How To Deal With Passive Aggressive People For Straight Forward People
The idea of drawing a line in the sand is important. As society progresses, physical altercations become less and less acceptable. And so, a lot of the aggression becomes passive aggression. This passive aggression is confusing for people surface level people like me.
You see this passive aggression, feel it in your gut, and you just kind of like, “Oh, okay,” and you assume the best, usually, from people. This passive aggression is kind of hard to understand and identify, and it can be applied to you until you reach this point, this nagging little point, where you’re like, “This is too far.” And then you end up exploding.
So the key to dealing with passive aggressive people is to recognize it early, draw a line in the sand and shut it down quick.
How do you do that? You remain calm and stoic. You make direct statements and questions and only except the same in return. No matter how uncomfortable it gets.
There is a time for aggression, but you must be smart about it. But with passive aggression, things become complicated with underhanded moves and talking behind people’s back. Straightforward people like myself often don’t get it.
Are People Seeing You As Weak?
Naive people can find themselves at the bottom of the food chain. They do the nice thing their whole life thinking that’s how things really work. But in reality, sometimes being nice is a sign of fear and weakness. Not always. Sometimes being nice means getting stepped on a lot as other people work their way up the success ladder.
Take the benign ruler. Maybe that’s the wrong word. Maybe a compassionate ruler. Let’s just say if you have a king, and the king fears nothing.
He fears nothing because his level of force that he can apply is high. So you have some good rulers, but you have a lot of bad rulers throughout history where if their exact whims weren’t met, that if they don’t get satisfied, they cut off someone’s head. They have absolutely no qualms about making things happen their way, because they have power. They have no fear.
Whereas for a servant or an employee at the bottom of the chain, you’ll see a lot of nodding, a lot of smiling, a lot of quick movement from them in order to make things happen. This, in hopes this will please the person above them.
Granted, most people want to do a good job given the chance. But the panicked action of pleasing comes from a fear, and that fear is from a lack of power that they could lose their job, or they could get in trouble. Take an employee, like in the trades, as you move up your levels of apprenticeship, you become a journeyman, then a foreman. You can see the difference in behavior as the level of power rises. Once power happens, people order others to do things and nice people comply.
Nice Can Be Strong
There is hope though. I’ve witnessed strong-willed people voice their opinion when a big ego orders them to do something counterproductive. I’ve watched them calmly hold their ground when the boss has a temper tantrum.
This is strength.
Agreement and niceness CAN come from fear. It can also come from power, but then it’s a choice. I’d like to hear what you think below. Is there a time for aggression?
Is there a place to be bad ethically, when you need to get what you want to happen? Like in nature? Or maybe there is no good and bad. It’s just a matter of, “There’s this much cat food left, and there are two cats,” kind of deal.
Lastly, are nice people that agree with everything and whom never make waves, just scared and powerless?
What do you think? Have you ever been right about something in your gut and you were swayed? Then you kicked your own ass later for not listening to yourself? Yeah. Have you ever let someone else’s opinion get you spun up in a mental anguish all day until finally, you’re waiting for some kind of closure where they’re like, “I’m sorry.” And you’re like, “Okay, everything’s better with my world now.” Trapped in your own mental fucking cage.
Just Be Honest And Do What You Want
What are you willing to do to get the things you want out of life? Your answer should be that you will do whatever it takes to get the things you want in life. Before I go much further, in today’s society the correct thing to put here is that you would be willing to do whatever it takes as long as no one gets hurt. Here is the thing with that. Someone could always get hurt by your actions to varying degrees and you have to stick to your guns.
When I was in grade 10 I remember a girl I wanted to go out with that was paralysed in her decision making because she never wanted to hurt anyone. As a matter of fact, she wouldn’t go out with me on a date. She could not do it because someone she knew, that I had no interest in, liked me as well. I wonder how many things in life that girl passed on simply because she did not want to hurt any one else’s feelings.
On a side note, the funny thing about trying to preemptively not hurt someone’s feelings is that you actually think you know what people are thinking. I can tell you that idea is a slippery slope. Basing your actions on what you think other people want or are feeling can lead to two unhappy people instead of just one most times.
At the best of times, you end up with two happy people. One that is sort of happy and one that is satisfied. If you are lucky. More often than not though, you get a person being led around by their nose and one controlling entity in the relationship. One person will base their actions on what they think the other person wants and not what they want. At this point, the only happiness that can come out of this action is if the second controlling person is happy with the action and the first person feels a sense of doing what was correct.
However, if the second person is not appreciative or approving of the first persons actions then it is a bust. Person number one did something they did not want to and did not even get the pat on the back for it.
Another thing about not wanting to hurt peoples feelings is that is leads you to powerless place in decision making. You lose your lighthouse. Your guiding light in life should come from inside you. In order to feel on purpose and empowered, your actions should always be congruent with your lifetime goals, passions and ambitions. If not, you are just a leaf being blown in the wind and you will hold resentment to the person or things that are keeping your from your true path.
When you do not base your actions on what you are truly feeling, you become a liar. To yourself and to others. Situations like “Do you want to go to the mall?” You answer “yes”. “Do you like this movie?” Again a yes comes out. “Do you love me?” Yes. Yes. Yes…. puke….
How does anyone ever truly know what you are feeling? You are impossible to know. Nobody will ever be able to get close to your true being if you are going to yes your way through everything. Now if you are honest and you do not like this movie and you would rather go to the park, guess what? When you say yes to something important, people will really know you mean it.
“Yes, I do love you.” Now that means something when you always say what you mean and do what you say. Doing whatever it takes to be happy in this life starts with being honest with others and yourself about what you truly want.
LIKE THE DAY I WAS BORN WHEN EVERYTHING WAS AMAZING AND EVERYTHING SURPRISED ME. MORE MOMENTS OF STANDING AWESTRUCK AT WHAT I SEE. NO MORE NUMBNESS. FULL VITALITY. THE WORLD IS CHANGING. CONTROL IS EVERYWHERE. I REBEL AGAINST ALMOST EVERYTHING BECAUSE IT TRIES TO RESTRAIN ME. I MAY NOT BE RIGHT BUT I AM ME AND THAT’S WHAT I AM CALLED TO BE. EVERYTHING HAS ITS PURPOSE AND MINE MAY NOT WORK WITH YOURS. THAT DOESNT MAKE EITHER OF US RIGHT OR WRONG.
I just found out my caps lock key was on. *SIGH*.
Life can be weird and it can also be miraculous. Do I really want to figure it all out? How many things have I learned about that when I understood, the magic was gone. The most outrageous magic is how it all fits together. The rain falls, the grass grows, the cow eats the grass, I eat the cow and then I die.
I guess my main function is grass food.
Speaking of which. Why do people care so much about certain things. I mean, in the end… is the end. Now or later, it all turns out the same. So if something bad happens and you go early. You go early. You’re not going to know the difference. If you do know that you went early then there was nothing to worry about because apparently you just changed. You didn’t die. The problem is that you just can’t except being out of control. You hate the fact that there is something you can’t control.
And there lies the problem. When you seek to control, you are the one being controlled by your own thoughts and actions. You’re so busy ‘trying’ that you miss ‘being‘. And if you aren’t being, then you’re already not living.
Not that it really matters.